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An interview with Rahul Gandhi

January 17, 2014

(Re-posting a piece I had written in March last year in the context of the Congress party deciding that Rahul Gandhi will not be PM candidate for 2014 elections)

The following is an imagined, though candid and freewheeling, interview of Rahul Gandhi, by yours truly, following the Congress leader’s categorical statement that he neither wants to-become Prime Minister of India nor marry…

Sir, why live in such denial?

This is an incorrect assessment. The Gandhi dynasty has never denied power to itself. As a matter of fact, I am over ambitious, like the rest of youth of India. I am the real youth icon and not Modi who is over 60. Let me explain.

Although I have said I admire Mahatma Gandhi the most, it is actually mummy Sonia Gandhi who is my political guru. I hold her in higher esteem than my father, grandmother and great grandfather. She has been Prime Minister of India for nearly 10 years, without being one.

She is actually the super PM of India, as the PM reports to her. That is a phenomenal achievement given today’s coalition politics. My aim is to follow mummy – to be super PM of India, a much higher post.

As any student of history knows, the Gandhi’s have always been a cut above the rest. Today, many want to be PM including Mayawati, Mamata and even Mulayam. Within the Congress Shinde, Chidambaram, Tharoor, Dikshit, Antony all fancy their chances, after we (mummy and I) elevated Pranab as President and earlier Manmohan as PM reporting directly to the super PM.

In the BJP, LK Advani has been desperate to be PM of India for decades though he has only managed to be deputy PM. Now, we have Narendra Modi wanting be PM.

The Gandhi’s can never be part of a regular crowd of PM seekers. We are above all this petty politics and as my brother-in-law correctly said earlier, the mango people. We are the true rulers of India, by destiny.

Even beyond politics, why do you think Salman Khan is so successful? Not because he is another hero like Akshay Kumar, Aamir Khan or SRK. Salman is a super hero. He is the Bollywood equivalent of a super PM.

Let me ask you, who leads a better life, the promoter or the CEO? CEO’s will come, CEO’s will go, but Richard Branson will always be there; airlines may fly or not but Vijay Mallya will always be the high flier. PM’s will come and PM’s will go, but the Super PM will always be the all-powerful. The only position higher than Super PM is God for which only Sachin Tendulkar qualifies.

Sir, your mom had reasons not to be PM as she is a foreigner. There are no such issues about you as you are a naturally born Indian?

Good question. I have thought about this a bit during my free time in London that I visit often. Life as the son of the Super PM of India is quite good, so as the Super PM it can only be better. I don’t have to go to office every day, I holiday when I want to, speak to the media when I choose, visit a dalit household for a change of scene, hang out with my pals, go cycling to Gurgaon with my brother-in-law, spend time at the gym or play with my pet dog who is followed by a separate retinue of black cat commandos when he goes for susu to the park.

When the Delhi gang rape incident happened, I was on holiday. Imagine if I was PM. I would have to cut short my vacation and make an address on national TV at short notice without the help of a speech writer.

As super PM’s son I call my own time. I disappear and appear when I wish. I vanished when the telecom scandal happened or the defense scandal (read helicopter not Bofors) broke. Now, when these issues are no longer relevant as the media has forgotten about it, I have re-appeared to speak to you. Mummy of course has refined the politics of the unspoken to much higher levels that I hope I can one day achieve.

She does not speak on any issue (publicly, that is), but makes it a point to instruct Manmohanji over phone every morning on the files that need or do not need to be signed. It is a win win situation. We (Mummy and I) eat the cake and have it too.

We, however, have to keep reminding Manmohanji that as PM he needs to speak more. Keeping silent is the prerogative of the Super PM. Mummy says that she dreams of the day when a PM will call me for instructions too when I could be doing anything, maybe scuba diving in Andaman’s.

Sir, what about marriage?

Oh yes, that. I need to find someone like Sunny Leone. Just kidding. I am having such a good time right now. Why spoil the party by getting married.

(Readers can buy my novel An Offbeat Story here)

 

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